In No Condition
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: Josh needs help, now. Post 'In The Shadow Of Two Gunmen'. DonnaJosh-centric.


Title: In No Condition  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity  
  
Category: Angst/Post-ep/Romance  
  
Spoilers: In the Shadow Of Two Gunmen  
  
Authors Notes: Lines taken from Averi's "Realizing the Truth About Oz" and from Howie Day's "Brace Yourself" check them out, but Averi more so because Howie is creeping and forceful.  
  
Thanks: Or rather no thanks to Mike and Dave who's idea just really made me want to write satire.  
  
Summary: Josh needs help, now.  
  
[In No Condition]  
  
I try not to let these realizations by.  
  
Something was stolen, and I'm not sure what it was, but I can speculate that it was the innocence.  
  
Innocence taken, and not just from the President, from us. The evil creeping in, touching us all, making us all perceive things differently. It wasn't as if it would have been any different if it hadn't been a bunch of kids who changed it all. I can't even remember how many shots were fired. I can't remember how I crawled to the wall. I can remember that my last thought was of my assistant and instead of worrying about the bullet that had ripped through my lung, I do remember thinking that I'd never get to tell her just what her smile does to me.  
  
I think the doctor may have taken something besides that piece of metal out of my body. I think he changed something inside me.  
  
And I can hear the sirens, I can hear them coming to take me away.  
  
Feelings come with clutter to weigh heavy on my chest. I feel I might have almost slipped this skin and I feel that it's easier now for you to get in.  
  
I'm standing on the corner of her block in the pouring rain, and I can do nothing but call her name. It's all I know to do. I hear thunder around me, I see the lightening and I can hear the sirens, and they're coming to take me away and yet all I think of is where she is right now.  
  
All I think of is how she was the one who first suspected that something was altered. It was she who took me to the emergency room on Christmas Eve, canceling the trip to see her family. The sirens stop, they stop when she's with me and I need them to stop now.  
  
Stumbling, I walk towards her building, and the rain seems to pick up that much more, wanting to make my journey even harder than it already it. I'm a ridiculous human being, not being able to deal with this on my own. At least I'm alive, at least I'm alive. But my mind clutches at me and forces me with the situation, I have to take hold of what happened. I call out her name one last time, I'm simply too exhausted to keep yelling.  
  
She hears me and looks out the window. She knows calling back to me would be useless, so she hurries down the stairs and out to me. She's in her pajamas and she steps off the porch into the rain and I've never seen anything prettier. To think I almost never saw this again.  
  
And she's here with me, on her stoop in the rain. And I just wish my hands were braver than this so that touching her would be easier. She looks at me and is so frightened that something has happened. She's so scared that I've done something to myself once again, so she steps out into the rain and clasps her hands on my neck. Searches my eyes for an answer.  
  
Why is it that when people step out into the rain, their breathing becomes more labored? She's heaving, and she's so scared and for a moment I'm upset with myself for taking her through this. "What Josh?" She asks me, shakes me a bit, because I've done nothing but stare at her since she's come out here. I bring my hands up and place them on the wet garment that covers her hips. I put my forehead against hers and we breathe in sync for a moment.  
  
Right here, I don't have to be strong. Here on her stoop, I don't have to run the world or pretend that the events of the past few months haven't taken their toll on me as well. I don't have to pretend that the sirens just won't stop. She looks at me and asks again, "What?" It's not prying, she needs to know, and she has to know how to help me.  
  
"It's five in the morning." I somehow manage to spit out. And she smiles and rubs my neck a bit to reassure me that talking is how we're going to solve this. "And I forgot what was most important." I begin to sweat, my eyes roll, and I stop them. I look at her. Her questioning stare gets me; she wants to know what importance I see in any of this. "I felt like I'd forgotten about you, even if I think about you every second."  
  
For a moment, I begin to feel that all this potential that we have has gone to waste. Whatever we could be is lost here, and will be lost forever if I don't find a way to make myself right. Maybe I should do this on my own. She's quick to prove me wrong. "I'm here Josh and I need you to talk to me. You came here for a reason and I want you to talk to me." Her voice has gotten louder because the sound of the rain hitting the pavement is drowning out her words. "You can't go on like this Joshua, it's going to break you, so I need you to talk to me."  
  
Her hands drop down to clasp mine. I'm trying to circumvent the pain, but it's just so hard.  
  
Exaltation at her touch. There's too much clutter here without the ignorance.  
  
"Donna, the only time I can think is when I'm with you and I didn't think I'd ever see your face again. I was feeling my blood and- all I could think about was you and I can hear it all, and it all gets to me, and I didn't think I'd ever see you again, I'd hold every part of you that I could hold in that moment and it's just so late." I mutter, it all comes out so fast that each word is blurred into the next, but she seems to understand what I say. My forehead is still against hers and I can feel the heat between us. I make no sense, at any time and yet she understands it all, and makes sense of it all. It's I don't know anymore and my mind just won't stop racing and I can feel my eyes begin to slip and-  
  
"Josh?" She yells? "Josh!" She hits the side of my face a bit. My eyes are jumping, and I can hear the thunder and see the lightening but I can't hear the sirens anymore. "Josh come back to me. Josh."  
  
I slump low and she helps me into a sitting position on the cold granite. Supporting my back with one hand, she looks into my eyes, the rain sluicing down her cheeks. She turns my face towards her. "Josh, I need you to speak to me or I'm going to call an ambulance."  
  
She settles down beside me briefly. I decide I need to speak, even if I really don't know what I'm going to say. He told me about my condition, the sirens, my perception changed when he turned the lights on.  
  
"Donna, you're the only thing saving me right now. And right now, all I want to do is kiss you because I need to know that you're really alive, and here with me now." And taking the initiative, the bold first step, like always, she leans in and touches her lips to mine in the mere whisper of a kiss. "I was so happy that you weren't at Rosslyn and was so happy that it was me instead of you. Donna, you were the last thought that crossed my mind." I say, her hands on mine. We're looking out at the street, how the rain beats the pavement at a fever pace. And here we are, in the rain on her stoop at five in the morning.  
  
"Josh, why don't you come inside and get dry. We can talk about this now or in the morning, but either way, we're talking about this." I'm not sure if I can go back and start this all again, but I get up and follow her inside. This realization feels like a slap in the face. I have ages to go through all of this again, another few years, another term...  
  
The years bring out the things I tried to hide. 


End file.
